Mid-year Astronomicly

We have just pasted the Summer Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere. That means different things to different people, and I used to try to give it a special meaning or place in time. But the universe never cooperated. This year it marks the end of a period of time which started roughly at the winter solstice, in which I have had to cling hard to reality and rationality for survival. I have survived, yes, but now I look around and see signs of the slow steady progress of life that slipped past me during this time. Seeds I planted sprouted and grew bushy, flowers have blossomed and faded, fruit has ripened (and been stolen by squirrels!). I am angry that I missed this, that in this sense the time has been taken away from me.

The only true existence any of us have is the moment we currently occupy. The past is a memory, the future is imagination. Only NOW is a reality. The more aware I can feel of a given moment, the richer my existance. Sound, smell, sensation, taste, all deepen my experience of reality. God and the Holy Ones exist in Eternity, for them all time is Now, for us we touch that other side of reality moment by moment, as the edge of a coin touches a flat surface at only one point that moves around the disk as it rolls across the floor.

Thus I regret those times past when I have limited my own awareness for whatever reason, but I hate those others who have by their actions or threats to my existence forced me to limit my awareness against my will. Yet giving in to the feelings of anger and dwelling on the hurt and loss they caused robs me of this moment's reality as well.

It is extremely difficult to forgive and let go. It is harder because I cannot find any reason for their actions. When there is a reason, it is possible to understand and thus easier to forgive. Without any reason, my mind keeps running over the incidents and actions again and again, trying to understand. God give me the grace to walk away and start a new time.